Learn the bible with Fanny Magnet

Discussion in 'Off Topic Lounge' started by Fanny Magnet, Dec 26, 2016.

  1. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Now some of you might know I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I've decided to expand my ministry work to the vitalounge with my own thread entitled 'Learn the bible with Fanny Magnet'.

    Each day I'll go through the bible from start to finish, from Genesis to Revelations as it's known in 'the trade';) and try to give the members of the vitalounge spiritual scriptural guidance.

    I won't be offering free copies of the watchtower, you can download them from www.jw.org.

    So come and join with me, Bother Fanny Magnet, in a journey through the Bible. I hope it will be both rewarding and informative.:)
     
  2. zodaex
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    zodaex The Mighty Zodasaur

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    A few years ago I picked up the rare unofficial cartridge release "The King James Bible for Gameboy" I get a kick out of this thing because of how clumsy it is to navigate basically a massive ebook with no touchscreen and horrible resolution. Still though it is my only bible and from time to time I have read from it. It's searchable and functionally sound. I'd love to see someone take it to church with them and use it as their bible they reference to follow along with the sermon just to see the reaction they'd get. So what is this free-to-play game The Watchtower you speak of? Is it like a role playing game?
     
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  3. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    No one takes the bible to church, no one even reads the Bible in Church.

    Only in Kingdom Halls does anyone even bother with the bible anymore.

    But here, on vitalounge I will give in depth study of the bible, so you can play the latest vita games and get spiritual guidance.:)
     
  4. Renegade Bastard
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    Renegade Bastard Well-Known Member

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    As a renegade, myself, I think my username goes without saying that I abandoned and renounced my Christian religion. Although, I am a fan of Mr. Christ and stories about the man/God, I just don't practice any spiritual beliefs anymore.

    With that said, I wish you all the best in your thread, Brother Fanny Magnet. I hope you can provide some sort of spiritual enlightenment for those of whom that seek out such. :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2017
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  5. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well here we go ...

    In the beginning ....

    Well God created things. He created the heavens and the Earth and then the waters and animals and wifi hotspots and then Adam and Eve and said well go on then shag about and he did all this in 6 days and then on the Sabbath went and played golf or something.

    Now I know what you're going to say, well what about the dinosaurs then Fanny Magnet?, they ruled the earth for about 65 million years?.

    Well God fucked up with the dinosaurs, he sort of created the heavens and earth and filled it with water and animals for 5 days then sort of fannied about with the dinosaurs for 65 million years, assuming in Genesis the dinousaurs weren't the animals, personally I think the animals were things like squirrels and cats, the dinosaurs being something seperate and created after.

    Well after about 65 million of the dinosaurs God thought well this isn't working so he sent in an asteroid and wiped the fuckers out, the squirrels and cats were happy, because the dinosaurs kept trying to have em for breakfast and naturally this asteroid, well it was a dinosaur specific asteroid, the squirrels and cats when a sort of massive nuclear explosion went off as this asteroid impacted on Earth, they just thought well that's ok that's just God wiping out those basterd dinosaurs.

    Then God created Adam and Eve in his own imagine, well he'd spent 65 million watching the dinosaurs shag about and let's face it can't be much of turn on, so he made Adam and Eve in his image and then just watched them shag about, more of a turn on.

    When Moses wrote the book of Genesis, God thought well I'll just keep quiet about the whole dinosaur thing in case there's a loss of face.

    All makes perfect sense really.....

    Tomorrow I'll talk more in depth about Adam and Eve and a snake called Hissing Sid or Satan or something.

    Scripture of the day .....

    Genesis 1:31

    'And God saw everything he had made and behold it was very good and the evening and the morning were the sixth day'

    As long as we all forget about the bloody dinosaurs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2017
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  6. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well anyway Adam and Eve are knocking about the Garden of Eden , they're naked and they are up to allsorts, sixty nines, doggy style, having the time of their life, God looks down and says that's all right because I told you to be fruitful and multiply, but can you lay off the anal!.

    Then a snake comes along (called Satan), this snake he's giving it large, the dinosaurs have gone and he's moved up the food chain, he thinks he's Gods gift.

    He spy's Adam and Eve and instructs Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge and get Adam involved, Eve says but God told us not to, Satan says well fruit from the tree of life it's a bit like Viagra, eat from the Tree of knowledge and you'll have multiple orgasms. So Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life, looked at the each other and thought we've been sold a bad batch of Viagra!.

    Then God come along and says what's going on here? when I last left you well you both naked and in a sixty nine, now Adam is now sort of wondering around in Pringle jumper and a pair of chinos and Eve has a sort of a flowery Laura Ashley dress on, what's going on here then?.

    Eve said well it was that bloody snake, Satan or something, he told us if we eat from Tree of knowledge the sex would be great!, but now Adam can't get a hard on and I've started to read the Playboy magazine, God said I told you not to eat from the Tree of knowledge, you can pack your bags and go fuck off East of Eden, give it another 6000 years of this shit between Man and Woman and i'm going to have to create Babestation. Here take a PlayStation Vita with you, because the sex between you is going to crap from now on, oh and by the way you're both going to die, you'll have to spend your time until you die playing Minecraft or something.

    So Adam and Eve pack their bags and end up East of Eden....and then go out and buy a 16gb memory card for their PlayStation Vita

    Tomorrow............Cain twats Abel.

    Scripture of the day .......

    Genesis 3:24

    'So he drove out the man, and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden cherubims and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life'
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2017
  7. 2048Dan
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    2048Dan Well-Known Member

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    Finally I understand the bible. Thank you!
     
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  8. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well anyway, Adam and Eve have left the Garden of Eden, they are resigned to certain death after the snake thing and the dodgy batch of Viagra from the Tree of knowledge, but God being merciful, he has packed them off with a PlayStation Vita.

    The sex is now once a month missionary style, like most marriages, the days of frolicking around in the Garden of Eden naked doing sixty nines has long since gone.

    But still Eve gives birth to two sons Cain and Abel. Abel becomes a shepherd and Cain a farmer of the land.

    One day both Cain and Abel make an offerings to God, Abel brings some firstlings of his flock, God is pleased, Cain brings him a couple of potatoes and a carrot that looks a bit like a penis, God is not pleased. God says that carrot you've brought me well it looks a bit like a penis.

    Cain is hot with anger after being dejected and twats Abel one, kills him!.

    One day God comes along and says 'where is your brother Abel?' and Cain said 'I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?, the last I saw of him he was playing Spelunky on that PlayStation Vita you gave to my folks'.

    God says you've twatted him one haven't you?, killed him!, just because I didn't like that carrot shaped like a penis, i'm going to pack you off to the land of Nod.

    Cain said it wasn't that, i'm sexually repressed, there's nothing to shag around here and anyway Abel kept hogging the PlayStation Vita.

    God says I don't care, you're off to the land of Nod. Cain says if I go to the land of Nod, anyone who finds me will certainly kill me?

    God says for that reason anyone who kills you will suffer vengeance seven times, i'll take their PlayStation Vita's off them and make them play the Virtual Boy for the rest of their lives.

    Cain says OK then but what am I going to do when I get to the land of Nod. God says you'll have to wait say twenty years until your Sister turns up and then shag her, until that time download SENRAN KAGURA Bon Appetit for your PlayStation Vita and keep yourself occupied with that.

    Cain says its going from bad to worse around here, first you're packing me off to the land of Nod, then what you're telling me to do is sort of cop off to a Japanese schoolgirl wearing a short skirt and with big bouncy boobies whilst she rustles up Ham, Egg and Chips or something THEN shag my Sister. What ever happened to sexual immorality?.

    I haven't wrote the Bible yet Cain, we're going to forget about all this when I write the Bible and i'll pack Jesus off down there to say things like 'well you should only shag your wife and as far as the PlayStation Vita goes, well stick to Farming Simulator'.

    So Cain goes off to the land of Nod, buys himself a carry case for his PlayStation Vita for the journey, has a bit of fun on Bon Appetite, shag's his Sister, she gives birth to E'noch, E'noch shags about, they build a city, meanwhile Adams still shagging Eve. Population increase.......

    Tomorrow........Well everyone shags about and lives to a ripe old age.

    Scripture of the day......

    Genesis 4:16

    'Then Cain went away from before God and took up residence in the land of Exile, to the East of Eden'

    I thought Adam and Eve went to the East of Eden, well they all seem to go to the East of Eden.....
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2017
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  9. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Anyway.......

    They're at it like rabbits now, any chance to shag their Brother, their Sister, their niece, their nephew and they're at it.

    The Cain lot well E'noch shows up and I'rad, La'mech took two wives.

    Meanwhile Adam and Eve had a son called Seth. Then E'nosh shows up.

    and they're all living to 900 years old and of course God is handing out the PlayStation Vitas willy nilly.

    Then Ke'nan becomes father to Ma-hal'a-lel and God says I suppose you'll want a PlayStation Vita and Ma-hal'a-lel says no I fancy a 3DS, so then God is handing out the 3DS's.

    So then the PlayStation Vita lot and Nintendo 3DS lot they're all squabbling, saying things well you may have PSP classics but we've got Pokémon. A console war breaks out!

    Then God looks down and no one's playing Farming Simulator!, they're all on Killzone Mercenaries and God is not pleased, violent computer games!.

    Then when there's enough of them not content with shagging their Brothers and Sisters, Gangbangs are kicking off and Bukkake parties.

    God looks down and says well a console war has broken out, they're all on Killzone Mercenaries and Gangbangs are kicking off. I'm not having it says God, I've just had a mare with the dinosaurs!!!!!......

    ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tomorrow........Feels like rain in the air.

    Scripture of the day.......

    Genesis 4:26

    'There was also born to Seth a son, and he named him E'nosh At that time people began calling on the name of God'
     
  10. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well anyway God's a bit pissed now, there's loads of humans and they're all playing Killzone Mercenaries and doing Gangbangs.......

    God says, Right i'm going to bring floodwaters upon the land. You will all die along with every living creature.

    Noah pipes up and says well i'm not playing Killzone Mercenaries i'm playing the pets game.

    God says, you doing Ganbangs or anal or any of that?

    Noah says no!, strictly missionary position with the wife once a month.

    Right says God, Noah you have gained favour in my eyes, build an Ark, take your family with you, your PlayStation Vita and your pets game, at least 2 of every kind of animal, prepare yourself i'm going to flood the earth!. You can't take a 3DS on board.

    Noah says why's that?, why can't we take a 3DS on board?, after flood you going to create the Nintendo Switch?, God says no!, i'm sick to death of the console wars, anyway there's no point creating the Nintendo Switch, there no TV's knocking about, I don't create them till 1950AD.

    So Noah builds an Ark, his family and at least 2 of every creature hop on board, God floods the land for 40 days, the flood water subside. They all hop off the Ark.

    Noah, says to God well what are we supposed to do now?.

    God says Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth.

    Noah says Not again, you told Adam and Eve to do that and you know what's going to happen my Son will be shagging my Daughter and I don't like to think of them that way?.

    God says right then i'll make a covenant with you, never again will I the curse ground (flood the earth), give it a few years and everyone will just be shagging their distant cousin or something and no one will mind that.

    Noah says right we'll all just shag about then, but I have to warn you those two pigs we got onboard, I don't think they fancy each other.

    Tomorrow...........Well everyone shags about again.

    Scripture of the day......

    Genesis 6:19

    'and bring into the ark two of every sort of living creature in order to preserve them alive with you'.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
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  11. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well everyone's shagging about again.......

    I know what you're going say, not again Fanny Magnet, after Cain twatted Abel everybody shagged about, now they're up to it again, I've came here for spiritual guidance and it reads something like the tales from the Playboy mansion, in fact what these get up to is worse, these lot are shagging their Brothers and Sisters, at least Hugh Heffner confined his activities to bunny girls or the playmate of the month.

    Well don't blame me blame Moses, Moses wrote Genesis, in fact Moses wrote the first five books in the bible, known as the Torah in the Old Testament, he wrote Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. Blame Moses for all this shagging about, don't come complaining to me.

    Well there's Noahs sons Shem, Ham, Ja'pheth. Ja'pheth had sons Go'mer, Ma'gog, Ma'da-i, Ja'van, Tu'bal, Me-shech and Ti'ras then there's more great great grandsons and cousins and what not knocking about than I don't know what and they all spread out and cover the lands but continued of one language.

    Then some inhabited the land of Shi'nar built a city and built the Tower of Babel, the Tower of Babel reached into the sky towards the heavens and God come along and said I'm not having it, I'm not having this Tower of Babel reaching into the heavens, I will confuse their language in order in order that they may not understand one another's language and scatter them so that they will never build a tower like this again. You're going to say and God did that just because they built a Tower, he scattered them over the lands and made them talk a different language just because they built a Tower (the Tower of Babel) are you sure they weren't doing anal at the same time?, don't piss off God. So the next time you're in France and they're saying things like Bonjour!, just think that's because of the Tower of Babel.

    One other thing happened, Noah planted a vineyard and got pissed, first record of drunkedness in the Bible, so if you're down the pub getting slaughtered thank Noah, after he got pissed he just fell asleep naked, so not a lot happening there. Noah dies aged 950.

    Well no-ones playing their PlayStation Vita because they're all too busy building the Tower of Babel or pissed.

    Tomorrow.........Abraham, well actually he's a bit boring.

    Scripture of the day......

    Genesis 11:4

    'Come let us build a city for ourselves and a tower with it's top in the heavens......................'
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2017
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  12. Amos67
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    Amos67 Well-Known Member

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    lmao, great interpretation and breakdown so far. Can't wait till you get to the book of Amos hahaha
     
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  13. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Many thanks for your kind words Amos67, Sunday was my day of rest and Monday was a bad one. But i'm back for more of the bible.

    So today it's Abraham and to be honest he's a damp squib.

    Well Abraham was the founding father of the Jewish Nation of Israel.

    He had a son called Isaac, and God said 'I want you to sacrifice your Son to me', so Abraham tried to do it and Isaac said well this is a bit of a bugger, but just when Abraham was about to sacrifice his Son, God said 'No don't sacrifice your Son' so they sacrificed a Ram instead and the Ram said well this is a bit of a bugger.

    And a Pharoah shagged his wife (Sarah), in exchange for generous gifts, yes Abraham pimped his wife out for a 64gb memory card for his PlayStation Vita. Well then he shagged his wifes maidservent and had a child, not much of marriage is it this?.

    All this has some great biblical meaning, quite what this biblical meaning is i'm not really sure. Something about faith, trust and obedience to God, quite what pimping your wife out has to do with faith, trust and odedience to God i'm not so sure.

    Well that's enough about Abraham, not really sure what's going on, today, Abraham well he's a damp squib but...............

    Tomorrow............Jacobs a cracker

    Scripture of the day..............

    Genesis 12:18

    'So Pharaoh called Abraham and said 'what is this you have done to me? why did you not tell me that she was your wife''
     
  14. TheAtom
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    TheAtom Well-Known Member

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    This is great. It really is. XD
     
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  15. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Thank you The Atom, I'm having a bad week so I'll be doing a daily update from Friday. Sorry I can't update daily this week not very well.
     
  16. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well i'm all over the shop this week with updates, but here's another one...........

    Lets do a quick recap for those who have lost of the plot and as my updates have been sketchy this week.....

    Adam and Eve eat a dodgy apple and get expelled from the Garden of Eden, give birth to Cain and Abel, Cain twats Abel, Cain gets expelled to the land of Nod, everyone's shagging their Brother and Sister, then up to all sorts, as the population increases and everyone is up to all sorts God looks down and says he's not having any of it!, floods the land, saves Noah, his family and at least 2 of every animal, because Noah is a righteous man, then we're sort of back to square one, everyone shags about again, population increase, in a city the Tower of Babel is built to the heavens, God is pissed, disperses them across the lands and makes them all talk in a funny language so they don't build a city to the heavens again, Abraham is born, the sort of great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Noah he establishes the nation of Israel and pimps his wife out and shags his maid servant.

    I'll give you a bit of a geography lesson, all this is happening around the region of Babylon, Israel (where Abraham establishes himself) and Egypt. So everyone is shagging around and being dispersed following the Tower of Babel incident and going on journeys, to the occupying the lands around the Mediterranean Sea and the Persian Gulf. Sometimes this area is called the Fertile Crescent, the land is quite rich.

    Well anyway I said today would be Jacobs day, but I've forgot about Lot.

    Lot is Abrahams nephew. So an indirect descendent of Noah.

    Anyway to cut a long story short Lot ends up living in a place called Sodom and Geomorrah. We all know where we're going with this........... Sodomy.

    Lot is doing quite well for himself and one day at his house/farm entertains strangers (think these strangers were actually angels) in his house/farm in Sodom.

    The towns folk are not best pleased that Lot is entertaining strangers, what are these strangers doing in Sodom type thing, so they call around Lot's house and demand he brings them out 'so that we may know them'. They want to shag 'em.

    Lot say's you can't shag 'em, they say well Liberace got away with sort of thing fine, Lot says well Liberace was a flamboyant character who played a mean boogie woogie and loved his mom, it's not the same thing, here have my two daughters who have never slept with a man, only don't do anything to these men (angels?).

    His daughters come out and say what's going on here, we're not shagging them, might do Bukkake, but in years to come people will write the bible, what they going think, kids will going to Sunday school who are 5 years old and reading about this sort of shit, is it not bad enough my great uncle (Abraham) pimped out his wife.

    Lot says well look I've got Criminal Girls loaded up on the PlayStation Vita, try and fob 'em off with that. I'm missing the football on Sky dealing with all this shit!.

    Well anyway, I know what you're to say, well what happened then?, did the strangers get Sodomised?, did the Daughters cherries get popped?, did Lot manage to fob them off with Criminal Girls on the PlayStation Vita?. Well angels intervene and strike the crowd at Lot's door with blindness, nothing happens, not even a bit of Bukkake.

    Then God comes along, he's pissed again!, the angels say to Lot gather your family, Gods a bit pissed at all this!, FLEE THE CITY!, he's going to destroy Sodom (fire and brimstone, so if you ever hear the term fire and brimstone think that's because of Sodom) and when you're fleeing Sodom don't look back, whatever you're doing DON'T LOOK BACK!. What does Lots stupid wife do?, she's fleeing the city and looks back at the fire and brimstone and is turned into a pillar of salt. Lot goes, my tit of a wife!, then Lot get's drunk shags his daughters and gets them pregnant (because his wife's off the scene).....

    Tomorrow.........Once again Jacobs a Cracker

    Scripture of the day......

    Genesis 19:5

    'and they kept calling out to Lot and saying to him 'where are the men who came in to you tonight?, bring them out to us so that we may have sex with them''

    I'll leave you fully entertained (make amends) today (Thursday) as I haven't updated much this week with Jesus Christ is my Nigga (turn the sound up)........



    See you Friday, you've had your Lot..........
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2017
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  17. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well anyway...........

    Jacob today, and I know what you're going to say who's this Jacob in the scheme of things, well lets do a family recap, Abraham, the sort of founding father to the nation of Israel is the great, great, great, great, great grandson of Noah (he of the Ark fame), Lot is his Abrahams nephew, he fled Sodom and shagged his daugthers, Isaac, i've mentioned Isaac he's the son of Abraham, he's the one who Abraham nearly sacrificed to God, then God said no don't do that we'll sacrifice a ram instead.

    Well Isaac the son of Abraham has a couple of kids called Esau and Jacob, God describes these two kids as the 'two nations'.

    To cut a long story short, Esau and Jacob squabble and squabble, squabble, squabble!. Eventually Esau determines Jacob is a goner, Jacob then does a runner having become tipped off of Esau's intentions, Jacob is on the run for his life, from his brother, Esau.

    Whilst doing a runner, Jacob ends up in what is known today as northeastern Syria. Whilst on the run one night he falls a sleep, has a dream about a stairway, or what is more commonly know as Jacobs Ladder.

    Your going to say I know Jacobs Ladder, i've seen the film, with Tim Robbins, Jacobs Ladder, well its sort of a stairway to heaven, you die, a sort of stairway/ladder opens up heaven and you poddle off to heaven. Well biblically that's not strictly true.

    You see when Jacob had this dream, there was a stairway, angels ascended and descended between heaven and earth on this stairway, God was at the top, Jacob at the bottom, but Jacob never went up the stairway, he wasn't dying, God never came down the stairway, God just said the land on which you are lying (asleep) I give to you and your descendants and it will be blessed. As far as the ladder/stairway, well fuck all really happened with it, effectively God just gave Jacob the land of Israel, and no one could be arsed with the stairway/ladder.

    Then Jacob went on to establish Israel and I think the surrounding lands (he founded the twelve tribes of Israel, which has later Biblical significance, because Jacob had twelve sons, each the head of the twelve tribes of Israel), I know what you're going say, but I thought Abraham was the father of Israel, well loads of people are the sort of father of Israel, Israel has been given away more times than I don't know what.

    I think, I don't know, God gave Israel to Abraham AND his descendants, so of course every time Abraham drops a sprog (Isaac), or their sprogs drop a sprog (Jacob), well then God comes along a fobs them off with Israel. Don't quote me on that. Jacob was actually later named Israel, so Abraham was sort of the founding father of Israel, but Jacob (Abraham's grand son) who founded the twelve tribes of Israel, through his sons, well he was actually later named Israel.

    In terms of Esau, for completness, well he sort of drops from the scene, nothing really happening of note with Esau, he just arsed about playing PlayStation Vita.

    Scripture of the day........

    Genesis 28:16

    'Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said 'truly God is in this place and I did not know it.''

    Tomorrow...........I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain, to see for certain, what I thought I knew.

     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
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  18. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Well anyway Joseph, he of the Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat fame.

    Just to set the scene, Joseph is the son of Jacob (of the Jacobs ladder fame), Jacob is the son of Isaac who in turns is the son Abraham, Joseph is therefore great great grandson of Abraham (who in turns is the great,great,great,great,great grandson of Noah), Abraham is sort of the grandfather of the nation of Israel (the promised land), Jacob the father of the nation of Israel (in fact God changed Jacob's name to Israel) and as I said Joseph is the son of Jacob, Jacob had twelve sons (of which Joseph is one) and Jacob's twelve sons founded the twelve tribes of Israel (after a run-in in Egypt), so Israel initially consisted of twelve tribes or regions consisting predominantly of the descendants of Jacobs twelve sons (of which Joseph is one), the twelve tribes of Israel as they are known in the Bible. Got it.

    Well anyway Joseph.........

    Joseph is Jacobs favourite (of twelve sons) and Jacob gives Joseph a special tunic, multicolored, or technicolored as its now known, to show him he is Jacobs favourite, Joseph is also a dreamer, he has a dream for instance his eleven brothers will bow before him. His other brothers don't like the favouritism, or the idea that one day they will bow before him, so plot to kill me, they in fact remove his coat, throw him into a well to die of natural causes, they then rescue him and flog him off to a caravan of traders to be sold into slavery, so Joseph doesn't die, his brothers pack him off into slavery. His brothers to cover their tracks with their father Jacob, shred his multicoloued coat (his dreamcoat) cover it with animals blood and tell their father he's dead having been mauled by a wild animal.

    Joseph has been sold into slavery and ends up in Eygpt, but God is with him, to cut a long story short Joseph then ends up in jail for a crime he didn't commit. How did Joseph get out of jail?, well whilst in jail Joseph develops an ability to not only have dreams but to interpret dreams (through God), one day the Pharaoh of Egypt has dreams and Joseph is called from jail to interpret the dreams (through God), impressed (effectively Joseph interprets Pharaohs dreams through God) the Pharaoh appoints Joseph as the second ruler of Eygpt, he's that impressed!.

    Well anyway, the dreams Joseph interprets for the Pharaoh involve a famine, seven years of plenty and seven years of famine, Joseph instructs the Pharaoh to store up food during the seven years of plently, prepare for seven years of famine, which the Pharaoh does, during the seven years of famine, Egypt survives, because Joseph has told them to store up food during the years of plenty following interpreting Pharaohs dream.

    To cut a long story short, Jacob and his eleven other sons come down from Israel to Egypt, because the famine has affected Israel whereas Egypt is relatively plentiful (its stored up food during the seven years of plenty) and meet Joseph who now is the second ruler of Eygpt and bow to him (because Joseph is now quite powerful and has all the food), so Josephs first dream, that his brothers would one day bow to him (I mentioned this earlier), comes true. The family re-unite and stay in Egypt, to survive the famine, then they (and/or descendants) bugger off back to Israel to establish the twelve tribes of Israel (since there are twelve brothers).

    The interpretation of the story is that the evil of the sons (effectively selling off Joseph into slavery), God has put right, Egypt is saved during the seven years of famine along with the family of Jacob and re-united.

    Scripture(s) of the day.......

    Genesis 46:3-4

    'I am God, the God of your father. Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you a great nation there. I will go to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again. And Joseph's own hand will close your eyes.

    And that's the book of Genesis done (it's done, the first book in the bible is done)..........

    Tomorrow.........................I will recap (summarise) Genesis for those who have lost the plot.

     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2017
  19. Fanny Magnet
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    Well today I thought i'd recap on the book of Genesis, as its now done, so for those who have lost the plot somewhat amongst all these families and inbreeding.

    In the beginning God creates things, he creates the heavens and the earth, rivers and animals and night and day, then has a mare with the dinosaurs, then thinks I'll wipe these bloody dinosaurs off the face of the earth then create man and woman in my own image and watch them shag about, because watching dinosaurs shag about, well its just not a turn on.

    Over to the garden of Eden where God as created man and woman, Adam and Eve and they are having a whale of a time in a sixty nine, Satan (a snake) comes along tempts them into to eating from the tree of knowledge, which God has told them not to, the sex goes for a burton, God is not best pleased kicks them out of the Garden of Eden. God is merciful, packs them off with a PlayStation Vita.

    Adam and Eve are now somewhere East of Eden, give birth to Cain and Abel, Cain twats Abel one, because God looks on in favour of Abel and beside which Cain is sexually repressed and Abel hogging the PlayStation Vita, Cain goes of to the land of Nod, waits for his sister to show up, shags her.

    Population is now on the increase, Adam and Eve are still at it, meanwhile in the land of Nod Cain is shagging his sister, they're all living to a ripe old age. But as the population increases, well they're all getting up to no good, on the PlayStaion Vita they're all playing Killzone Merceneries and doing Gangbangs and all sorts. God is pissed, he's not having any of it.

    The flood, God floods the land, to put an end to all this naughtiness, saves Noah, his family and at least 2 of every animal, Noah is a righteous man and playing the pets game on the Vita and sex is strictly missionary with his wife once a month. Then we're sort of back to square one after the Garden of Eden incident, so Noah and his family, well they shag about, God says be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, population increase again, God makes a promise never to flood the land again.

    In the city of Shi'nar, the population aren't being fruitful and multiplying and filling the earth, they instead build a tower, the tower of Babel and try to reach the heavens, God is pissed again, he's not having any of this, he told them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, instead they are building the tower of Babel to the heavens, God scatters them and makes them talks in a funny language, to stop this sort of thing ever happening again. Noah gets pissed, the first record of drunkeness in the bible.

    Everyone's shagging about, God has dispersed people after the tower of Babel incident, nations are being formed, eventually Abraham is born, the sort of great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson to Noah, Abraham is born in the area of Babylon, goes on a journey, sort of becomes the grandfather to the nation of Israel, then has a run in with a Pharaoh in Eygpt, pimps his wife for great riches and returns to Israel a wealthy man (remember Israel is not yet really formed). has a son called Isaac, who he nearly sacrifices to God, but God let's him off.

    Meanwhile in Sodom, which is somewhere in (or near) Israel, Lot (Abrahams nephew) has a run in with the Sodomites, God is pissed, destroys Sodom, Lot and his wife flee Sodom whilst God is raining down fire and brimstone, Lot's wife looks back at the scenes of carnage (fire and brimstone) despite specific instructs not to, gets turned into a pillar of salt, Lot chances his opportunity and shags his daughters.

    Then Jacob turns up to on the scene, Jacob is the son of Isaac (who is the son of Abraham and who Abraham offers as a sacrifice to God, but God eventually refuses), Jacob is the father of the nation of Israel (Abraham being the sort of grandfather), in a dream (Jacobs ladder/stairway), Jacob is given the nation of Israel being the ground on which he sleeps/dreams by God. The idea that Jacobs ladder/stairway is the passage to heaven, well it has nothing really to do with the dream, the dream is all about God giving Jacob the nation of Israel (the promised land), being the ground on which he sleeps/dreams. Jacob is then named Israel. Jacobs twelve children then form the twelve tribes of Israel, so early Israel was really a collection of twelve tribes or regions, sort of governed by the twelves sons of Jacob and their descendants.

    Joseph is then born, to Jacob, Joseph is a side issue, he eventually along with his eleven brothers form the nation of Israel, his technicolor dreamcoat, well its just a story, in the grand scheme of things, well its a side issue, Joseph is a dreamer and through God can interpret-ate dreams, this eventually saves Egypt from famine and in many respects his own family (who come from Israel to Egypt to avoid the famine), Joseph becomes a powerful man in Egypt (second to the Pharaoh), he and his family do very well in Egypt (because Joseph is effectively second in command), but in the grand scheme of things Joseph eventually just returns to Israel to establish along with his eleven brothers (and their descendants) and (with wealth from Egypt) the twelve tribes of Israel (the sort of birth of Israel)

    I'll leave you with a bit of geography lesson (its actually important), the book of Genesis effectively 'happens' around three three main regions/nations, the nations are Israel (the promised land) which is to the east of the Mediterranean sea, Egypt to the south of the Mediterranean sea and Babylonia which is further east of Israel and separated by a vast mountain range from Israel. Many people believe the Garden of Eden was somewhere near Babylon, so when Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden and Cain was packed off to the land of Nod, they sort of ended up in the Babylonian region. Abraham ventured north of this vast mountain region that separates Babylon and Israel then makes his was down the east of Mediterranean sea founds early Israel, and ventures into Egypt to the south of Mediterranean, then back to Israel. Egypt itself just springs up, with a Pharaoh.

    When you leave Genesis, just think there a three main nations, the Egyptians (who just spring up with a Pharaoh ruling), the Israelites (essentially founded by Abraham and Jacob and his twelve sons), effectively Gods nation, and the Babylonians (sort of come out of the Garden of Eden). All sort of bordering one another. That sets the scene for Exodus.

    That's it for the Book of Genesis, in terms of who wrote Genesis, it was Moses (retrospectively), Moses wrote the first five books of the New Testament (known as the Torah).

    Tomorrow...........The Book of Exodus.

    Leave you bit of a laugh as its been quite heavy today..................its Jesus on a Donkey.........

     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
  20. TheAtom
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    Jacob's Ladder reminds me of this song:


    I actually did a song with the dude as well a long time back. His recent music is corny as hell though.

    Honestly, this makes me wonder how people can think Kingdom Hearts has a confusing storyline...
     
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  21. Fanny Magnet
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    Fanny Magnet Sex God!

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    Thank you TheAtom.

    If anyone would like to add to this thread or ask questions, feel free to do so. I'm actually learning things doing this thread, I usually do say 2 hours of research before I do every post, my knowledge of the bible and i've been studying it for 2 years, is more at a practical/personal level, this whole from start to finish on the bible, is actually teaching me things. Whether you believe in any of it, well that's not the point, hopefully people can learn and have a greater understanding of the bible, i'm trying to also keep it fun and amusing, otherwise reading the bible can get a bit heavy.
     
  22. Fanny Magnet
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    Well its Exodus today (events take place about 1500 BC)......

    There are three main nations, the Egyptians, the Israelites (Gods people) and the Babylonians, the Egyptians and Babylonians well they are the bad guys, the Israelites well they are Gods people, a nation established by God through Abraham then Jacob (Abrahams grand son), they are the good guys.

    Israel is a collection of twelve tribes and they are all shagging about and now rising up to be a great nation, Joseph (Jacobs son) and his family have left Egypt to establish Israel (along with his brothers) and so Joseph (and his family) have no influence in Egypt.

    One day a new Pharaoh is appointed in Egypt and he looks across at Israel (remember Egypt and Israel both border the Mediterranean Sea) and says these Israelites they are getting a little bit big for their boots, if we don't do anything about them and they continue to grow as a nation, they'll twat us one. So lets nip these Israelites in the bud before they grow any bigger.

    So this Pharaoh sends his people to Israel, starts to govern the land and says to stop the nation becoming any bigger, he kills the male newborns, he does this but a chap called Moses is saved, his mother floats him down the river Nile (away from Israel) and Moses ends up in Egypt, to be saved by Pharaohs daughter, so Moses effectively grows up with the Egyptian royal family.

    To cut a long story short eventually the Pharaoh has his wicked way with Israel and enslaves nearly the whole nation of Israel in Egypt, so Abraham (the sort of grandfather of Israel) establishes Israel, goes to Egypt, pimps his wife out to a Pharaoh for great riches, then goes back to Israel, Jacob (Abrahams grandson) and his family (twelve sons and descendants) end up in Egypt (through Joseph) then make their wealth and go back to Israel to establish the twelve tribes of Israel, the twelve tribes of Israel all then end up enslaved in Egypt. Gods people are now enslaved in Egypt.

    I'm going to admit to something, there's a question mark where the Israelites were about this time, Jacob and his family (via Joseph who was sort of the second ruler of Egypt for a time) following the famine had moved to Egypt (from Israel), so when this new Pharaoh was appointed, to whom Joseph meant nothing and he twatted the Israelites, were the Israelites in Egypt then oppressed (enslaved), a sort of people (Israelites) within a nation (Egypt), or had they formed the twelve tribes of Israel (seperate from Egypt), then they were effectively deported back to Egypt, then enslaved. Might be a bit of both. Which ever the way you look at it, the Egyptians enslaved (oppressed) the Israelites and were all living in Egypt as effective slaves (of the Egyptians) for a good number of years.

    Don't forget the nation of Israel, well it was only in some respects truly formed, after the second world war. Before that time and especially in Biblical times, the people of Israel, the Israelites, God have given them a land (via Abraham and Jacob), to the east of the Mediterranean (the promised land), but the people of Israel, well in Biblical times and until the end of the second world war, well they were all over the shop, God had given them a land (the promised land), but they spent little time actually living in/occupying it.

    Whilst the twelve tribes of Israel are all enslaved in Egypt, Moses (the only newborn male saved during the Pharaohs cull), well he's living the high life with the Egyptian royal family, having been saved by a Pharaohs daughter from the river Nile.

    Tomorrow..............Moses saves his nation

    Scripture of the day......

    Exodus 1:22

    'Then Pharaoh gave this order to all the people 'Every Hebrew boy you must throw into the Nile, but let every girl live''

     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
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  23. Fanny Magnet
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    Well Moses has now grown up, he's not enslaved and having been brought up with the Egyptian royal family is doing quite well for himself, God comes along to him one day (at the burning bush) and says my people are enslaved and have had their PlayStation Vita's taken off them, the best they've got is one of those black and white Gameboys and you can't see that when the sun is really shining. God says go to the Pharaoh and tell him to release his people from slavery so they can return to the promised land. Moses say 'who am I to do that', God says don't worry when you go to the Pharaoh, I will be with you.

    Moses goes to the Pharaoh, the Pharaoh tell him to fuck off. Moses goes to God and says the Pharaohs told me to fuck off, whats the crack now?, were not really getting anywhere. Right, God says, i'll twat em one, i'll twat the nation of Eygpt one and the Pharaoh and make him let my people go back to the promised land and give them their PlayStation Vita's back.

    Moses goes to the Pharaoh again, the Pharaoh tells him to fuck off again. God then releases plagues on Egypt to force the Pharaohs hand (plagues of frogs, plagues of nats, plagues on livestock its all kicking off) and corrupts the memory cards on their Vitas. Eventually the Pharaoh has had enough, he summons Moses and says I've had enough of this plague malarky, take your people and go, go back to the promised land, i've had enough of this God that's doing all this plague malarky.

    As as side note the Israelites lived in Egypt for 430 years, quite a long time and to celebrate their return to the promised land from Egypt, the Passover meal is introduced, so if you every hear anyone (normally Jewish) say they are having a feast of the Passover, that's to celebrate Moses liberating the Israelites from Egyptian slavery.

    To get the Israelites (around 600,000) from Egypt to Israel, and this is not the shortest route (the shortest is a route round the Mediteranean Sea to the east and around 250 miles), God instructs them to take another route (across the Red Sea and to the south) to avoid wars with neighboring lands when they pass through, they go through the Red Sea (Moses parts the Red Sea) and wonder around the desert of Sin (to the south), ending up at the Sinai Desert.

    God helped them during this journey by parting the Red Sea and during their time in the desert of Sin providing them with food and water. God is with them, the Israelites are a bit pissed at wondering through Seas and then wondering around the desert and there's nowhere to plug their PlayStation Vita's into, so the battery life has gone for a burton their PlayStation Vitas, but God is with them.

    To get to the Sinai Desert from Egypt, around half the journey to Israel, the estimated time is about 50 days. The rest of the journey from the Sinai Desert to Israel, well.......

    Tomorrow..........The Ten Commandments

    Scripture of the day......

    Exodus 9:1

    'Then the Lord said to Moses 'Go to the Pharaoh and say to him, 'This is what the Lord, the God of the Hebrews, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may worship me''''

     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2017
  24. Fanny Magnet
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    Sorry for not updating the thread in what nearly two months, flat move and got a bit side-tracked.

    To recap - Genesis, God created things, made Adam and Eve who had a bit of a fallout with the dodgy apple from the Tree of Knowledge, got kicked out of the Garden and Eden, had two Sons Cain and Abel, Cain twats Abel one, packed off to the land of Nod, everyone's shagging about and up to no good, God floods the earth to end all the evil, saves Noah, everyone's shagging about again, build the Tower of Babel, to reach to the heavens, Gods pissed, disperses them and makes them talk in a funny language, nations are being formed. Abraham is born, the sort of grandfather to the nation of Israel, meanwhile there's sodomy in Sodom and Gomorrah, Jacob is born, the son of Isaac, who is the son of Abraham, Jacob via a dream (Jacobs Ladder) is gifted the nation (land) of Israel and settles there, has twelve sons (who form the twelve tribes of Israel), Joseph is one, Joseph has dreams and a technicolor dreamcoat to match, Joseph is packed off to Egypt from Israel by his brothers, saves the nation of Israel from famine via his ability to interpret dreams (the Pharaohs) and becomes a great man in Egypt. Not only saves Egypt from famine but Israel as everyone (including his family) in Israel effectively flocks to Egypt during the famine.

    Exodus - The Israelites (many in Egypt) start to become a great nation in number, although many living in Egypt, population about 600,000, Joseph influence in Egypt is no longer there, the Pharaoh decides to subdue the nation of Israel, becoming too great, kills the newborns, but Moses is saved, the nation of Israel is then effectively enslaved, Moses is called in by God to save the nation of Israel (from Egypt), God sends in plagues to force Pharaoh to let the Israelites go, he lets them go, the Israelites on leaving Egypt, cross (part) the Red Sea and after around 50 days (which a little help from God) on there way back to Israel, end up in the Sinai Desert.

    So here we are, Moses and around 600,000 Israelites, wandering around the Sinai Desert, after fleeing from Egypt, trying to make there way back to Israel, the promised land (not that Israel is really yet formed).

    Then Moses has a run with in God, at Mount Sinai, going up Mount Sinai, where God gave him the ten commandments, calved by Gods very hand in two pieces of stone, i'm not going to repeat the 10 commandments, as long as you don't shag about, covet your next door neighbours Mercedes Benz, steal or murder, you should be OK. Moses was up on Mount Sinai for 40 days and nights, then his people built the Ark of the Covenant to carry the ten commandments down from the mountain. You're obviously heard of the Ark of the Covenant from raiders of the Lost Ark, the Ark was carried about a lot after it carried the ten commandments.

    Well anyway, after Moses come down from Mount Sinai, where he was for 40 days and nights, his people had become impatient and started to worship false Gods, build idols of a gold calf, Moses was pissed and chucked the ten commandments at them and broke them, burning the golden calf, God was also pissed, so disciplined the people for worshipping false Gods, whilst Moses was up Mount Sinai, but God was merciful.

    Then Moses had to make two further pieces of stone with the ten commandments to replace the ones he had broken, so back up Mount Sinai he went, for again 40 days and nights.

    Then Moses led his people to the O River Jordan, bordering the land of Canaan after 40 years (yes 40 years) of wondering in the desert wilderness . But would go no further, Moses died there, he never quite returned his people to nation of Israel, he died on Mount Nebo where he could see the promised land (Israel) but never set foot in it. Poor Moses.

    But Moses doesn't die in Exodus, he dies in Deuteronomy, we have Leviticus and Numbers to cover before Deuteronomy, the rest of Exodus before we reach Leviticus and Numbers, well its all instructions for the way the Israelites are to live their lives and worshipped, after Moses gave them the ten commandments at the foot of Mount Sinai, he then gave them more specific instructions about worship and they sort of built a tabernacle (a sort of tent) where they worshipped to God and the Ark of the covenant was placed, this has no real relevance today.

    So that's Exodus done, so Exodus is a book of the enslavement of the Israelites in Egypt, the guiding of the people of Israel out of Egypt by Moses, the ten commandments at Mount Sinai and a bit of false worship, then sort of building a tabernacle (tent) to worship to God at the foot of Mount Sinai, this tent in Exodus was then moved with the Israelites when they spent 40 years in the desert, the 40 years in the desert was principally covered in Numbers, but first Leviticus.

    Scripture of the day..............

    'The Lord said to Moses 'Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you tablets of stone with the law and commandments I have written for their instruction.''.



    Tomorrow.......

    Now I now what people are going to say, but the ten commandments say nothing about masturbation?, so does the bible allow us to have a wank?, tomorrow i'll answer that very question before I move onto Leviticus............
     
  25. Fanny Magnet
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    Well today its masturbation........

    As you may know i'm a Jehovah's Witness and I can't masturbate because the Jehovah's Witnesses won't allow me too.

    But is there any scriptural basis for this......

    Well Yes and No.

    The story goes like this......

    There's a young lad, he's about 16 years old and he's a good bible bashing Christian, but he's 16 years old and well his hormones are running riot, he's a good bible bashing Christian and knows well he can't exactly just have sex with anyone, he's up against this sort of scripture.......

    Corinthians 16:8 'Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.' and many like it.....

    He knows within marriage sex is actually fine, embodied within this line of scripture......

    Corinthians 7:2 'But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.'

    In fact the bible goes beyond that, in Corinthians 7:3-5.......

    'The husband should fulfil his marital duties to his wife and likewise the wife to his husband, the wife to her husband, the wife does not authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way the husband does not have authority his wife does. do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so you may devote yourself to prayer, then come back again so that Satan may not tempt you'

    He knows in marriage, his wife yields her body to him, she's his sexual play thing and he her's and I'm sick to death of telling people this, marriage is a sexual union, primarily marriage is a sexual union!, absolutely sick to death telling people this, in the bible marriage is a sexual union!, the Jehovahs Witnesses marry to shag!(primarily) ...... and this 16 year old bible bashing Christian is cool with that. I'll talk more about marriage at a later date.

    But obviously he's 16 year old, marriage is perhaps not practical, perhaps he just hasn't met the right woman. But his hormones are raging. So his thoughts turn to masturbation and asks the question.....

    'What does the bible say about masturbation?, what's my scriptural position here, is masturbation sexual immorality?'

    The reply comes back......

    'The bible is silent on masturbation, there is no mention of masturbation in the Bible'

    The 16 year old, hormonal, bible bashing Christian replies....

    'Well no news is good news, i'm not going against the word of God if I have a wank'

    The reply comes back........

    'But out of interest, what are you doing whilst having a wank?'

    The 16 year old, hormonal, bible bashing Christian replies.....

    'Well looking at porn naturally'

    The replies comes back.....

    'well I've got some bad news for you, let me introduce you to Matthew 5:28 'But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already commited adultery with her in his heart.''

    'Shit' says the hormonal, bible bashing Christian. 'What about if put the porn away under the bed and just have a wank?, then I can sort of bypass Matthew 5:28'.

    'What are you thinking about whilst having a wank?' comes the reply.

    'Well giving it the next doors neighbours wife doggy style' comes the reply from the hormonal bible bashing Christian.

    'Well it's the same thing, in your minds eye!', comes the reply.

    'Shit' says the hormonal, bible bashing Christian.

    So about now there are millions of confirmed Bible bashing Christians all having a wank to the TV guide listings and imagining themselves taking a long walk across a secluded beach, don't laugh I've run into Christians who do this sort of thing!, scripturally can't be touched in many respects.

    Tomorrow Leviticus.....
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
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